WillPatching.com

These days it seems every person on the planet thinks they’re a gifted writer.

The internet allows us all the opportunity to bash away at a keyboard and post our innermost thoughts for the world to see – for better or worse!

This means that any reader with a connected pc has access the ramblings of millions of people across the globe - and the articles give us all a wonderful opportunity to gain an insight into a vast array of subjects. 

Sometimes though, the articles - unintentionally - make me laugh out loud. In the UK we call such comedic literary accidents ‘Howlers.’ 

This is my tribute to the World Wide Web for bringing us such a rich and previously untapped vein of blog-gems: 

On verbal terrorism? 

“These old time religious phonetics are losing their control of their own people…”

On our vegetative youth today? 

“The TV makes them a crotch potato…” 

Spearheading colonialism?

“Humans have been a remarkable species for many millennia. With the exception of Antarctica, they managed to spread to all the world’s continents and to adapt to countless different environments. They did this armed only with intelligence and spears.”

You will come, all ye faithful…

“Some people may have other opinions about this subject, but most people would also say that they think it should be mandatory to show up for church.”

Cellulite a health problem?

“I believe that cellulite should be treated as a health problem because it definitely is one.”

Disposable medical trauma? 

“You just never know when an emergency will occur, from a scrapped knee to a more severe emergency. ”

Evidently climbing? 

“There is surmounting evidence that natural supplements are extremely beneficial.”

Or over the hill? 

“If you want a descent life you have to plan for the future.” 

Odder tongue twister? 

“When they bush their teeth, they should also brush their tongue also, it cause must of the bad odder.” 

Thumping good bath time? 

“Teaching them to bath regularly (using soap and shampoo), bruising their teeth at least twice a day…” 

Hidden subtext? 

“Riding loose in the saddle means so much more than riding loose in the saddle.”

The Dead Sea? 

“I threw the strap around my head and plunged into the unrelentless surf.” 

Filthy corrupt government? 

“With corruption running a muck in our government…” 

Musical disharmony? 

“Times will be difficult when separation shows its ugly head. Maintain your composer and know that your life will begin again at another time.” 

Island wedding? 

“When I got married, and my dad walked me down the isle…” 

And finally, my favorite on Reasoned debate…

“The fact that there are even articles on the ‘yes’ side of this debate is extremely disturbing and substantiates the level of ignorance that we intelligent people are forced to live among…”

***

Quite clearly the single greatest benefit of email is that it facilitates the lightning transfer of jokes around the world, flashing them on our screens, even as we sit, bored and restless at our workplace computers.

The following howlers came to me via an anonymous source. Apparently they are ‘genuine’ answers from a children’s science exam…  

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.  

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. 

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.  

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.  

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.  

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental  

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (Brilliant!) 

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.  

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I,O, and U.  

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie  

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A: Nearby.  

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.’
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome  

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

***

If you have any new howlers please forward them via the comment box below. I plan to regularly update this section and hope everyone out there can help me. Thanks!

The US President justifies torture by claiming he is facing a “struggle for civilization”.  I say he has already lost it.

“See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.”
— George W Bush, May 24, 2005

Almost thirty years ago I joined Britain’s Royal Air Force. My induction into the military way of life included Escape and Evasion training (similar to US forces’ SERE – Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape). In theory, by undergoing some relatively minor hardships during training, I would be better prepared in the event I was shot down over enemy territory.

“Hardships” in this case included going hungry while trying to survive off the land for a few days, having to make a tent and sleeping bag from a parachute, sleep deprivation, avoidance of capture by “hostile” forces – which all inductees failed to achieve – and then simulated interrogation techniques involving a great deal of shouting by said hostiles, but no actual physical abuse.

I have no fond recollections of this mildly traumatic training and cannot claim to have endured anything like the punishment suffered by people who have experienced the real thing. However, recent media spin brought back vivid memories of a film we aspiring officers were shown to help us understand what we may have to face if we were captured by unfriendly forces…

“We do not torture.”— George W Bush, November 11, 2005

The film was a military documentary about British and American servicemen who were captured during the Korean War and contained scenes unambiguously described as “torture.”

Interestingly, torture, as defined in this film, included scenes depicting techniques that are now apparently standard US practice for the treatment of detainees suspected of terrorist activities: extreme sleep deprivation, withholding of food and drink, regular hosing down with cold water, beatings, being forced to stand in stress positions, and of course, the most controversial technique – “waterboarding.”

Unfortunately no one will ever get to see the real life CIA videos showing patriotic US agents performing this medieval form of cruel and unusual punishment on suspected “Islamofascists.” The recordings were destroyed – rather fortuitously for the current US administration.

“I can tell you two things: one, that we abide by the law of the United States; we do not torture. And two, we will try to do everything we can to protect us within the law.”
— George W Bush, December 6, 2005

So try to picture this instead:

A man is strapped to a table, lying on his back, and a wet towel is tied over his face, covering his nose and mouth. His head is forced down and water is poured onto the cloth as he gasps for air, suffocating him and bringing him to the point of drowning. All the while questions are being bellowed into his ears and his belly slapped and punched to make his breathing more labored. The man is in agony: his lungs are burning and he is gagging and spluttering as water chokes his windpipe.

“…this government does not torture… we adhere to the international convention of torture, whether it be here at home or abroad.” — George W Bush, December 15, 2005

Such forced suffocation and inhalation of water brings on intense primal fear as the victim is convinced death is imminent. Mentally he is crushed. The process is repeated before he fully recovers.

Potential injuries include broken bones and dislocated joints due to vigorous struggling against restraints, lung damage, heart attack from extreme tachycardia, brain damage from lack of oxygen, and, if over zealously applied, death from actual drowning.

According to Bush, the CIA agents involved in this hideous practice were all “…highly-trained professionals” using “…an alternative set of procedures” which were “…safe and lawful and necessary.”

“I want to be absolutely clear with our people, and the world: The United States does not torture.”— George W Bush, September 6, 2006

Why use waterboarding? Well, if you want to torture somebody it is very effective – much more so than immersing someone’s head under water as it brings about the gag reflex almost immediately – it is, literally, terrifying. To hold out for just a few minutes would be impossible for most ordinary folk, and, in many cases, there are no physical symptoms.

However, even for those lucky enough to escape with no permanent physical damage, the psychological effects can last for years after the procedure. Panic attacks, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and aquaphobia are all likely outcomes. Some victims are unable to shower for years after the event, others cringe when it rains.

“The United States does not torture. It’s against our laws and it’s against our values. I have not authorized it and I will not authorize it.” — George W Bush, September 6, 2006

Words cannot convey the true horror of this barbaric, sub-human treatment. Not that our docile western media hounds try. Lazily, they swallow and regurgitate the US government’s approved euphemisms – “simulated drowning”, “partial drowning” and, that classic dissembler, “harsh interrogation techniques” – thereby disguising the dreadful reality with mealy-mouthed spin.

Such collusion by our media has successfully moderated public opinion, stifling our awareness of the true evil involved in this vile act. As media interest subsides their very successful attempts at spin demonstrate the power of avoiding the emotive truth conveyed by the word that describes such treatment for what it is: torture.

“As I’ve said before, the United States does not torture. It’s against our laws and it’s against our values.”— George W Bush, October 17, 2006

Spin has morphed into propaganda.

For George Bush and his government to continue to deny that waterboarding is “torture” is not just an egregious abuse of media spin. It is an outright lie. This technique was clearly labeled as torture during my military training and has been accepted as such by the US military since World War Two. The appalling actions of a rabid terrorist group on 9/11 do not change that fact.

Allowing ourselves to be lulled into a cosy debate about the legitimacy of this technique – and then pretend it is anything other than torture – is to defy modern western moral standards.

John Sifton of Human Rights Watch had this to say about waterboarding: “The person believes they are being killed, and as such, it really amounts to a mock execution, which is illegal under international law.”

“This government does not torture people. We stick to US law and our international obligations.” — George W Bush, October 5, 2007

American exceptionalism gives rise to the audacious belief that US policies and practices are superior to those promoted by other countries and encourages the US government to thumb its nose at world institutions such as the UN and the International Court of Justice: it needs to be exposed as the deluded, outdated racist myth it is.

American citizens should impeach George W Bush and force him to face criminal charges.

***

While you are here please check out The Free World Petition or read the explanation.

Any petition has to be short and to the point.  Mine is not a treatise on democracy, nor is it aimed at justifying one political system over any other.

I wrote it because I cringe when Bush arrogantly uses the title The Leader of the Free World. 

Hearing these words repeated mantra-like by our docile western media – with no one ever bothering to question their validity – makes me angry. 

Why does this man, who was voted for by only a minority of US citizens, assume that he speaks for hundreds of millions of other people - Europeans, Japanese, Australians, Canadians, etc etc – who have never even had an opportunity to vote for him?

Does Bush speak for you?

If so, then be happy. 

If not, then please read and sign the petition here.

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Big Brother?

I got this in an email from a pilot friend in early Jan 2008:

“I can’t sign the petition even though I sympathise - the simple fact is that I regularly have to go through US Immigration and I don’t want to make that process any more painful than it already is. Yes I do believe big brother is watching! I have several friends in the job who always get taken away for interview because of something on the computer about them (in one case because he has the same name as someone they really are bothered about!).”

What a sad state of affairs…

************************

Having received a number of other emails querying aspects of the petition, I would like to clarify the following:

Communism

Some socialists have been put off signing the petition because they feel it disparages communism in some way.  Unfortunately, the definition of The Free World is not my own: the term was coined during the Cold War by US politicians and their media hounds at a time when anti-communism was particularly frenzied. 

Free World?

Some people feel our world is anything but free – especially as our limited freedoms have been greatly eroded during the so-called ‘War on Terror’ – but this is a topic all of its own: I will be posting my thoughts on the subject in 2008.  This petition is specific by necessity and adopts generally accepted terms to point out the arrogant hypocrisy of any US President who confers upon himself the lofty title The Leader of the Free World. 

Democracy

Many westerners feel the term democracy is also misused these days.  In our supposedly democratic countries modern politics is more about style than substance, image rather than reality, self-interest rather than philanthropy, and wealth rather than talent.  I am a firm believer that anyone who really wants to be a politician is probably not fit to be one.  So much for democracy.

Propaganda

Spin is a term beloved of our western media, yet it masks something less benign.  I prefer the old-fashioned and far more accurate word propaganda.   I will be sharing my thoughts on this subject in the coming weeks, but when “torture” becomes “harsh interrogation” even the most complacent westerner should hear alarm bells ringing.

Anti-American Bush hater?

I am not anti the American people, although there is much about US society that is wrong.  Incidentally, if you are American you can sign the petition as it was written to be inclusive for all so-called Free Worlders.

I am not a Bush hater, even though some rabid Republicans have attacked me as such.  Yes, I detest his policies, his cronyism, his professed religiosity, his arrogance, his militarism and his simplistic world views. 

However, he is clearly a psychologically damaged individual, as evidenced by his alcoholism.  He is in power only because of his family’s wealth and influence, and he has lived in his father’s shadow for most of his feckless life.  Although his IQ is apparently still a state secret, it is inevitable that his mental acuity was damaged by his binge-drinking playboy years.  He is the most powerful man in the world yet he can barely string a sentence together. 

Perhaps I am one of the people he thinks “misunderestimate” him. (Sic)

I certainly do not hate the man. But I do hate it when he claims to represent me.

Please join me in protesting his abuse of the title The Leader of the Free World.

You can read and sign the petition here.

To: The President of the United States of America

Successive US Presidents have unilaterally assumed the title “The Leader of the Free World” with complete disregard for accepted principles of democracy.

The Free World consists of non-communist states with elected governments and is therefore, by definition, fundamentally democratic. However:

At no time has the Free World held a vote to elect a single leader.

At no time have the various Free World state leaders elected a single representative to speak on their behalf.

There is no generally accepted methodology for appointing a single Free World leader.

Yet, for far too many years, American Presidents have arrogantly designated themselves as “The Leader of the Free World” on the following spurious bases:

Money – The US is generally considered the richest nation in the world, but wealth is not a valid reason for assuming political leadership: if merely being “richest” is justification for self-appointment to high political office then Bill Gates should be the President of the United States.

Arms – America is now the only superpower and is responsible for spending some 50% of the world’s total military budget.  Using this rationale, the US citizen with most firepower at his disposal could justifiably elevate himself to the post of President of the United States.

By Right – Many Americans believe they have a moral right to world leadership because they promote western ideals such as human rights, freedom and democracy.  The actions of the Bush Administration have demonstrated that such a deluded form of nationalism – with its inherent assumption of racial superiority – has absolutely no validity.

To continue claiming leadership of the Free World without legitimate justification or an accepted constitutional basis is anti-democratic.  Such posturing by the President is especially hypocritical in view of the US government’s stated aim of promoting democracy worldwide.

Therefore, we would ask the current President and all future Presidents of the United States to desist from referring to themselves as “The Leader of the Free World” in recognition of the fact that only a very small minority of Free World citizens have ever had the opportunity to vote for them. 

Sincerely

The Undersigned Free World Citizens

To sign the petition - or view other signatories - please click here.

*Details provided by signatories will be held by www.petitiononline.com - a third party website specializing in petitions - and will not be distributed for financial or other gain.

Dear Mr President,

Although I am not an American citizen - a simple fact of genetics and geography for which I apologize, as I know this makes me something of a “non-person” in your eyes - I would ask you to read and reply to this letter.

Please, if only momentarily, try to respond as you should in your self-proclaimed role as “Leader of the Free World.”

You see, being British, I consider myself fortunate enough to have been born a citizen of the “Free World” and, as such, although we have never met or debated any major issues of the day, you apparently feel you represent me.  Along with several hundred million other people in the “democratic” Free World who did not have an opportunity to vote for you.

I know it is a bit presumptuous, but on their behalf, I am writing to you as part of your greater constituency to clarify a few things regarding your past, present and future stance on three specific issues that either impact our lives directly, or could do.

Iran

Contrary to your own mangled vocalisms, the President of Iran’s name is “Ahmadinejad” and not “Arming-a-Jihad” as you seem to think.  Unlike you, Sir, he has never invaded another country and is self-professedly anti-war.  His stance has been declared to the world numerous times, yet is consistently disputed by the paranoid western media as they are guided by your mendacious Administration. 

Records confirm that he spends less than one percent of the equivalent US military budget on his country’s legitimate defense requirements.  Mr President, I know you struggle with math, but this means he spends about one dollar of his peoples’ money for every one hundred US tax dollars you do. 

More specifically, he has insisted his country is only pursuing nuclear technology to meet future energy requirements rather than to develop nuclear weapons, unlike the US. 

You already have nuclear weapons.  Lots of them.  So many that you occasionally lose some in transit over your own country and barely notice. 

President Ahmadinejad has never misplaced a single one.  Maybe because he has none.

Because of these simple facts, some of us in the Free World don’t really see him as a threat.

Apparently, your own advisors know that Iran is not attempting to develop nuclear weapons: your “intelligence” agencies have verified this in the latest National Intelligence Estimate, despite some pressure from your rather aptly named Vice President to change their findings, and your own ongoing assertions to the contrary. 

Please explain to us, your disenfranchised constituents in the Free World, why you perceive Iran as such a grave and immediate threat despite all the evidence to the contrary. 

Or perhaps acknowledge that, as your previous Chairman of the Federal Reserve did regarding the illegal Iraq invasion, any war with Iran will be largely about oil.

I know such a confession would be difficult enough for you to make to the public, given your family’s vested interests, but many people believe things are rather more complicated than the established media will ever divulge.
 
Could there also be a spiritual rationale prompting your aggressive stance?  Namely, your religion?

Christianity

I am happy that you have found God.  I have looked everywhere, but, sadly, never even glimpsed him.  Along with Santa Claus, the Boogeyman and the Anti-Christ. 

I am not being facetious.

Many of us, your secular constituents outside of the USA - people you purport to represent as Leader of the Free World, yet rarely address and never consult - find the whole concept of a mythical, omnificent being, totally unsupportable. We believe that God did not create Man, but that Man invented God. 

Hence, we are worried that our unelected “leader” has some very flawed thinking regarding an ideology that, at heart, has admirable aims, but is easily manipulated by the unscrupulous and powerful to indoctrinate the feeble-minded.

For instance:

Is it true that you believe the planet and all the creatures on it were created some four or five thousand years ago by a supreme being, and that the Bible is the literal word of God?  If so, one could suggest you are no more advanced in your attitude than a fundamentalist Imam in the Middle East who relies on fourteen hundred year old scriptures to inform his thinking.

It is difficult for many of us in the Free World to understand how you could hold such beliefs as President of the most technologically advanced nation in the world, especially given all the evidence to the contrary.  It could be that we have been wrongly informed.

I hope so.  Perhaps you could also clarify the following:

Do you believe that the end of the world is soon to be upon us?  And that, at such time, the righteous (ie you and other professedly Christian people, especially rich American ones) will ascend to heaven while the rest of us are doomed to burn for an eternity in hell?

If so, can I very politely suggest that many of us would view your position as Commander-in-Chief of the world’s only nuclear superpower - with enough weapons at your disposal to bring about Armageddon a hundred times over - as rather less than comforting?

Your religious beliefs are particularly pertinent with regard to US Middle East policy, as you may have gathered at Annapolis recently.  Like most of the people in the Free World you may not fully grasp the real source of conflict in that troubled part of the world: the simple concept that the Palestinians have legitimate territorial claims over lands they inhabited for much of the last two millennia - homeland that was commandeered by western imperial powers in the aftermath of WWII to create the State of Israel, along with more Palestinian land illegally confiscated during the Zionist expansion during the 1967 war.

Of course, as President of the United States, you may not feel you need to understand the Arab/Muslim point of view, especially as you apparently believe the Palestinians only get what they deserve: many of them voted to support Hamas, democratically electing a bunch of terrorists, after all. Your view on their armed struggle and the complexities of the Middle East situation were summed up with your incisive comment to Mr Blair when you explained that the Palestinian militants just need “to stop doing this shit and it’s over.” 

Can I ask if your unconditional, blinkered support for nuclear armed Israel stems from your religious beliefs? 

Do you share the Christian extremists’ view that the existence of the Jewish state in the Holy Land remains a prerequisite for the “imminent return” of Jesus Christ? 

Please confirm, Mr President that, as a sophisticated statesman, you could not be party to such a bigoted fundamentalist illusion.
 
These are important questions that are never addressed to you by the western media. Yet many of the people in the Free World are worried that, if you really believe these things, you may represent a greater threat to the future of mankind than any suicidal Islamo-fascist-fundamentalist-terrorist strapping himself to a single nuclear device.

In fact, I would respectfully suggest they might even consider you as more of a clear and present danger than President Ahmadinejad, and conclude you are supportive of another god in addition to the Christian one you profess.  No Sir, I am not talking about your unholy worship of Mammon.  I am referring to your infatuation with Mars.

War

It could be that I am wrong, but I believe you are on record as telling your “would-be” biographer (Bush family friend Mickey Herskowitz) well before your elevation to your current position, that it was important for you to establish yourself as a “war President,” and that you had already determined Iraq would be your first target. 

This incredible ambition would be appreciated by us, your international constituents, considerably more if you would present yourself on the front line.  Although we understand that you would be a distinctive and valuable target for all concerned, surely it is not beyond even your limited wit to don an appropriate disguise.  Some face paint and a helmet would do.

Maybe a few moments on the front line in Iraq might disabuse you of your facile views and seemingly sociopathic willingness to use armed “intervention.”   I know your own military history is rather lackluster as you managed to avoid ever getting in harm’s way during the Vietnam War.  It is a shame, as, if you had done so, then you might have a very different view of armed conflict. 

Try as you might, you cannot make up for your own psychological deficits by sending hundreds of thousands of your nation’s poor to fight for you in wars you barely comprehend.

Please stop trying.  Please, Mr President, bring them home now.

Based on recent polls, I think I speak for the majority of Americans on this last point as well as most of the rest of the Free World.  But are you listening?

Thank you for your kind attention and I look forward to your response.

Yours sincerely,

Will Patching
Free World Citizen

The definition of vice:
moral weakness, a specific form of evil doing; ”vice offends the moral standards of the community”
http://wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=vice

This article is Copyright Will Patching.
 
However, readers should note:

If you agree with the content you are welcome to forward a copy of this letter to the President or any website you feel might be interested in publishing it on condition that you include my signature block with my website link.

Alternatively you may substantively alter the text to personalize the letter to your own views with acknowledgement to the source, on condition that you sign it yourself and do not promote the result for cash gain.

Or just write your own letter and do what you like with it!  The more the better.

Until recently my mate Phil and his other half Jean lived in a beautiful home in central Montreal, located in the heart of the pretentious French bit of Canada.  When they went cycling in the States with their friends Sam and Denise during the summer, they asked me to help out by house-sitting for them.

Despite some serous drawbacks outlined below, this has been such a marvelous way of getting to know Montreal I thought I might see if anyone from other countries would be interested in using my services, especially now I’ve got the hang of it.

For friends I’m prepared to house-sit for free, unless they live somewhere crap, in which case they should probably move now so that I don’t offend them by refusing.

Please note the letter below which I had to fax to Phil after a particularly traumatic week. Before considering whether to opt for house-sitting you should read it so you are aware of some of the pitfalls and hidden dangers in your own property.

If you choose to go ahead then I’m sure you’ll be delighted with the service on offer. I don’t doubt Phil and Jean would be happy to vouch for my integrity, if you can locate them. They seem to have lost contact.

However, you can always get in touch with me at will@willpatching.com.

In hopeful anticipation,

Will  

Fax to Dorval Airport, Montreal
FTAO: Mr Phillip Listless arriving on FLT 0678
08/07/07

Without prejudice

Hi Phil and mad bicycling friends – glad to hear you’ve all been having such a great time.

I’ve not.

This house-sitting lark isn’t as easy as I thought. It’s been a nightmare these last few days…

It seems I’m not having much luck with cars over here, especially as everyone insists on driving on the wrong side.  Anyway, I was driving your new Toyota after popping out for a few beers and it smashed itself into Jean’s motor while I was parking outside the house.  Both cars were written off.  It was quite a night!

You’ll be relieved to know I wasn’t hurt, just shaken up a bit.

Then the house alarm went off as I couldn’t remember the code - I think I was just too pissed to punch it in anyway, and the drugs probably didn’t help.  Can you believe that alarm guy, though?  He came and let me in, but wanted fifty bucks for the call out!

Once inside, I found the place full of smoke…  the kitchen was also in flames as someone had left a pan on the stove.  It can’t have been me as I’d been out singing karaoke for hours.  Did you leave anyone else a key?

Anyway, apart from that, everything here is great. 

Except for the flooded cellar. Oh, and your lawn and garden plants are trashed from where the firemen trampled them.  Saved me from having to mow the grass though, which was a bonus.

There is some other good news too! I bought five kilos of blueberries like you asked and froze them for you (what a mate, eh?).  I know you wanted raspberries too, but they were “Pick Your Own,” so I thought it best to leave those for you to choose when you get back. 

The bad news is that, when the basement flooded (the firemen were very careless where they pointed their hoses), the freezer compressor burnt out so everything inside is going rank.  I’ve had to keep the lid shut as it was starting to stink.  Don’t worry - I’m keeping the contents for you as I know you usually eat stuff even when it’s well past its use by date, and the crummy meals you prepared and froze probably won’t taste that much different anyway.

By the way, I’m faxing this from the internet cafe opposite the house right now.  I should have been using this place from the outset – it would have saved me a lot of grief and their machines are much faster than your old computer.  Mind you, I did you a bit of a favor the other day - I know you’ve been planning to get yourself a new system and how you always procrastinate when it comes to spending money.  Well, now you’ve got no excuse for delaying buying a shiny new one.

It was all a bit nasty though… I was balancing on the chair in your study, trying to change the light bulb, when the chair leg broke and I somersaulted through the monitor screen.

That was bad enough, but that old computer desk of yours was a death trap – it fell to pieces when I landed on it.  It nearly killed me!

I’m okay though – I only suffered a nasty cut, very bad concussion and mild amnesia from the fall (hence forgetting the alarm code and how to park the car).

Mind you, I was also electrocuted when my beer glass shattered as the desk collapsed, drenching that poxy old pc of yours.  It was quite spectacular - I’ve never seen indoor fireworks like that before - and the current actually made my hair stand on end too!

Of course, I had to go out for a drink to recover from all this, even though the doctor pumped me full of drugs.  Improved my karaoke no end! 

Well you know the rest, so now you can see why none of it was my fault.  My lawyer says it was that ancient chair of yours that’s to blame.  In fact, that brings me to the other bit of good news: despite everything, I think Montreal is so beautiful that I plan to spend much more time here and make it my second home! 

And, regardless of the terrible time I’ve had, you’ll also be delighted to know I won’t be putting you through the trauma of being sued.

Instead I found a superb compensation lawyer who, if he pulls his finger out, should have the house made over to my name before you read this.  Thankfully some little known archaic French law here allows the transfer of assets if the guilty party flees abroad, so you don’t need to worry about having to pay exorbitant legal fees defending a lengthy court case.  However, I will need your new address to send you the bill for the repairs.

And for total renovation.

You wouldn’t know it, but interior designers here cost a fortune  Anyway, the lady I found says it was a good job I called because the previous occupants had no sense of style whatsoever, the cheeky minx.

I’m sure you’ll be glad to pay for everything - it’s only fair after all you’ve put me through.

I really suppose I should use your works email address for now as you are effectively homeless.  At least you’ve got your tent with you - maybe Sam will let you pitch it in his garden. 

I won’t be able to meet you at the airport either – obviously both of the cars you left me are useless now.  You’ve got your tandem with you anyway.  I had planned on surprising you by pitching up in one of those nice Hummers – I’ve decided to buy one as I think I need something big and safe here: Canadian drivers are such morons.  Unfortunately the hacker the lawyer has got working on cleaning out your on-line bank accounts for me was a bit slow, and I’ve only just got the money.

Oh yeah, can you phone someone and arrange to have what’s left of your vehicles towed away as they’re a bit unsightly?  My street looks like a scrap yard…

…Mmm.  On second thoughts don’t worry yourself mate.  I’ll try and flog it as a nouveau-art-type-sculpture to one of the pretentious galleries here – there are lots to choose from.  I’ll need to come up with a poncy French sounding name for it: how about “Omellette des Autos pour les Individuelles Pathetique” - let me just go and lob a few eggs at it first.

Hang on a minute… while I was doing that I noticed the dumpster with all your stuff being carted off to the tip.  Sorry mate - I thought I’d told them three weeks not three days.  They must have got themselves confused by my accent. The locals really should learn to speak English.  Never mind.  Your gear was all shit anyway.

Well, that’s about it.

Keep in touch mate - but no begging letters. You know how much I hate scrounging bastards and homeless types.

Cheers

William Patching

cc  Mr. V Fast
Senior Partner
Fast, Buck and Ripov,
Attorneys at Law

PS  You owe me thirty dollars for the blueberries.

PPS  Can Jean send me a check for that amount plus the fifty bucks false alarm callout fee, asap?  You know the address.  There’s no point you sending checks as your account will be empty by the time you see this. Bet you’ll be glad to get back to work as you need the money! 

Tell Jean she needn’t worry about my hotel bills while the house is being done up - I know she’ll be a bit worried about me but tell her I’m okay - I found her credit card details so that’s sorted.

PPPS  Forgot to mention you will be receiving an invoice from Mr. Fast for his services.  Take it from me, he’s worth every cent.

PPPPS  Give my best to Sam and Denise if they’re still talking to you - God knows, I found it hard enough putting up with you and Jean for just a couple of days before you left!  They must have the patience of saints. 

Good thing too as I bumped into their son Danny the other day while he was out driving Sam’s car…  I mean I literally bumped into him with the Toyota, not that it matters now as it was a couple of days before I created the sculpture.  (Incidentally, it looks nice with the eggs but the flies buzzing round it are becoming a nuisance: I suppose they make it living art though, which is probably worth shed loads more.) 

Tell Sam the damage to his motor isn’t too bad - in fact I think the new shape’s an improvement.  A sort of macho bulldog effect.  It’s certainly unique and I know he likes dogs. 

PPPPPS  When I called Danny a couple of nights ago to tell him about my terrible week, he said “That’s nothing!”  It sounded like he’s having an even worse time of it than me. He told me he wasn’t going to say anything when his folks called as he didn’t want to worry them while they’re away, but I thought it best for you to tip them the wink when you get this.  It’s not nice being in the dark – which, come to think of it, was why I was changing that bloody light bulb in the first place.

That Danny though… young people today - what are they like? You just can’t trust some people with a key can you?

With a massively successful economy based on US corporations infiltrating* every society across the globe, combined with a media machine pumping out images of affluence beyond most people’s reasonable expectations, America provides the role model other nations are eagerly pursuing.

Rampant capitalism, measured by GDP growth, is the holy grail, especially in the developing world. With the decline of the socialist Soviet Union and China’s capitalist economic reforms, there is seemingly no viable alternative.

Everyone wants to live like an American.  From Bangalore to Bangkok the pursuit of materialism through the development of an urban/automotive economy is well underway.

And so, like lemmings, we are heading unwittingly and inexorably towards our own doom.

No, this is not an article about global warming - serious as that matter is - but a more immediate, pressing and potentially disastrous problem: oil is a finite commodity and it is running out. This valuable resource is undoubtedly the true reason for the current war in the Middle East, and the future is not bright. The likelihood of global strategic conflict will increase as China and India consume ever increasing quantities, whilst trying to achieve the impossible: to emulate the US industrial economy.

Americans currently guzzle around a quarter of the world’s petroleum output. The capitalist model says that’s ok: if the US can continue to afford to pay as prices rise, then why not?

Well, if we all want to live like Americans perhaps we should determine how long current known reserves of oil would last if we did.

The math is easy:

The US, with one twentieth of the world’s population, currently uses about 7.5 billion barrels of oil a year. If everyone consumed oil at the same rate, then planetary consumption would be twenty times 7.5 billion. That means we would be using over 150 billion barrels per annum. Known petroleum reserves are estimated at 1.2 trillion – which sounds like a lot…

So, how long would those oil reservoirs last if we all lived the lifestyle of the average American and burnt over 150 billion barrels a year?

Just eight years.

Now, many skeptics would argue that known reserves are increasing all the time as new discoveries are made. The reality is that the few major oil finds over the last twenty years have failed to keep up with increasing demand over the same period. New discoveries cost ever more to locate and are increasingly expensive to exploit as the most accessible large deposits have been in production for many years. The law of diminishing returns has started to bite, and even the oil corporations are acknowledging the problem.

According to Chevron, “Oil production is in decline in 33 of the 48 largest oil producing countries, yet energy demand is increasing around the globe.” (1) Furthermore, the oil producing states belonging to OPEC are known to have inflated their reserves to justify pumping larger quotas to generate greater revenue. There may well be much less than we think.

Processing oil from tar sands and other alternative sources will become more economic and provide some relief as the price of crude oil soars beyond $100 per barrel, but the reality remains: the world is pursuing an industrial revolution based on a model destined to fail.

Western industrial societies rely on cheap oil – and not just for the freedom the automobile provides. Even the computer you are using to read this article had a high energy input during manufacture; the plastics, metals, silicon chips and other components enabling you to read these words consumed approximately twenty times the fossil fuel requirement needed to make an equivalent weight of automobile. All modern technology relies on cheap oil consumption.

And so does the food we eat.

US style agribusiness consumes enormous quantities of oil for the manufacture and distribution of fertilizer and pesticides, for the manufacture and operation of farm machinery, for draining and supplying water for irrigation, and for processing raw foodstuffs into packaged consumables.

Transportation of agricultural produce also sucks hard at the gasoline pumps to ensure an ever more dizzying variety of foods decorates the supermarket aisles of the wealthiest nations. Washington’s WorldWatch Institute estimates that the average item of food travels some 1500 miles before arriving on an American consumer’s plate. (2) Hence food is often produced with transportation and storage in mind rather than taste and nutritional content – a reality the agricultural conglomerates prefer to conceal from their customers.

This industrialized agricultural model is unsustainable and will start to disintegrate as the price of oil escalates: “It is damaging the land, draining water supplies and polluting the environment. And all of this requires more and more fossil fuel input to pump irrigation water, to replace nutrients, to provide pest protection… simply to hold crop production at a constant. Yet this necessary fossil fuel input is going to crash headlong into declining fossil fuel production.” (3)

Our dependency on oil is complete: the western world’s modern industrial manufacturing base and the food it consumes rely on readily available cheap oil. And so, the future of industrialized society is hostage to the, largely unsympathetic, oil producing nations of the Middle East.

Already crude oil is approaching $100 a barrel yet was less than a fifth of that price just a few years ago. Oil is becoming scarce, the price is escalating, and demand continues to spiral as we all try to become Americans.

The resulting political and economic tensions have already led to an aggressive strategic response by the world’s only superpower. When the US president says he must respond to “threats to national security,” can anyone doubt he actually means “threats to ongoing supplies of cheap oil”?

A report from Cornell University in 1994 accurately predicted: “The denser the human population becomes, the more countries are forced to closely interact and compete for the shrinking endowment of natural resources. Intensification of such interaction may result in an emphasis of differences in cultural, religious, and political identities… and may precipitate international conflicts… U.S. dependence on oil becomes an ever-worsening strategy with regard to national security.” (4)

Is it any wonder that Bush and his oil buddies initiated an illegal pre-emptive war with Iraq whilst lying to the world about the rationale? Recently ex- Federal Reserve chief, Alan Greenspan, euphemistically admitted in his memoirs that “it is politically inconvenient to acknowledge what everyone knows: the Iraq war is largely about oil.”

This is a war to protect the American way of life.

Is it any surprise that the US oligarchy is now rattling their nuclear arms in Iran’s direction – a country containing the world’s third largest oil resource with a vociferously unfriendly regime in control? And is it really in America’s best interests for the rest of the world to follow in its footsteps? For hordes of Chinese to pursue the American dream? For India’s masses to emulate the US model? For struggling nations to compete for the crude lifeblood that feeds America’s immensely powerful, bloated and wasteful economy? In pursuit of life, liberty and an SUV?

No. We can’t all live like Americans.  Isn’t it time the world stopped trying?

Sources:

1. http://www.willyoujoinus.com/energy-issues/supply/default.aspx
2. http://www.sectionz.info/ISSUE_3/content_1.html
3. From Eating Fossil Fuels by Dale Allen Pfeiffer, 2004 http://www.fromthewilderness.com/free/ww3/100303_eating_oil.html
4. Food , land, population and the SU economy, Cornell University 1994. http://www.dieoff.com/page55.htm
5. http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/ene_oil_con-energy-oil-consumption

* Infiltrating = “penetrating with hostile intent” www.thefreedictionary.com/infiltrating

Michael Moore’s work invariably gets slated by rabid right wingers but that does not mean he is wrong.  The facts outlined in his 2007 film, ‘Sicko’, should make all Americans cringe and hang their heads in shame: to so loudly proclaim righteous Christian credentials, yet ration the availability of medical treatment for the least fortunate in society is barbaric and uncharitable.

In Britain, the National Health Service is less than perfect. But, as a secular nation inclusive of all, the Brits manage to find the funds to treat those less fortunate - the old, the poor, the long term chronically sick… and even illegal immigrants.

In America, people can be bankrupted by the crippling costs of health care. Why? Because, as Moore points out, the whole system is a business solely interested in benefiting corporations and greedy individuals - at the expense of the nation.

For those who say that a social based system - like that of the British - would mean a dearth of innovation, longer waiting times for all, poorer levels of treatment, more disease among Americans etc, it is worth noting the following facts:

Many medical innovations, be it drug developments or technological creations, originate outside the US. In fact the UK is “…ranked as the best performer in the G8 leading economies per unit of R&D spend.”  (1)

So what?

Britain has just 1% of the world’s population yet “5% of its science, 9% of its scientific papers and 12% of its citations. It is also ranked second in the world in areas such as biological, clinical and pre-clinical research.” (Ibid.)  So a social based system doesn’t necessarily undermine medical progress in the way rampant US capitalists claim.

Clearly, the Brits are anything but socialist. Alongside the state funded (actually taxpayer funded) National Health Service there is a thriving multi-billion dollar Private Health Care system. This is available to those who choose to pay a premium - either in insurance or directly to the medical professional/institution of their choice. The capitalist system thrives: if you have the money, you can pay to see a specialist. Right now. Your MRI scan or other tests need not wait. You can have a private room in a luxury hospit-hotel. Nurses will pander to your every whim. Treatment will be as good as in the best US hospital. Or maybe even better…

Doctors in the UK have yet to suffer the idiocies of the US legal system - the “it must be somebody’s fault so I want to sue” syndrome. Sadly, this outlook is starting to insinuate itself into the UK, but doctors there are not yet in the ridiculous position of worrying about being sued before they treat a patient. They will not elect to undertake an unnecessary Cesarean for fear that possible complications involved in a natural birth will lead to a law suit. They will do their utmost best for you - within their abilities. How can anyone ask more?

In fact the over-commercialized US system is dragging even wealthy Americans into an unenviable position versus their UK counterparts: “The US population in late middle age is less healthy than the equivalent British population for diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, myocardial infarction, stroke, lung disease, and cancer.” (2)

It gets worse: “…individuals in the top of the education and income strata in the United States have comparable rates of diabetes and heart disease as those in the bottom of the income and education strata in England.” (Ibid.)  So, healthwise, a poor Brit is as well off as a rich American!

Yet America is the richest nation on earth. How can this be?

In the name of its people, the Bush government is currently responsible for one half of the total military spending on the planet. The media and the government want people to believe this is normal and necessary. But is it?

America spends some eight times the military expenditure of China and Russia. Combined.

Iran, the latest so-called military threat - conjured up by the Neo-con media to keep US citizens fearful for the nation’s security whilst comatose on social welfare programs - spends some 6 billion dollars. About one percent of the amount the US will expend this year. (3)

Some threat.

The CIA uses non-dollar comparisons in its ‘Fact Book’ - comparing the percentage of national GDP spent on the military to justify this hideous reality. On this spurious basis Chad - one of the poorest nations in the world in the heart of the African continent - spends more than the US!

With elections looming, Christianity is a big deal in the US right now. Yet it is focusing on the wrong things. For example, Christian pro-lifers hysterically proclaim that a few cells of a newly fertilized human egg constitutes a ‘precious’ life, to be protected at all costs. To outsiders this seems completely hypocritical when the US health system allows millions of citizens to die through lack of access to adequate medical care.

What price a precious life in New Orleans during Katrina?

Why is the child mortality rate in Detroit more than that of El Salvador with 15.9 deaths per thousand births versus 10.5? (4)

Why is a recently fertilized human egg more ‘precious’ than a Detroit baby, stillborn because her mama has no money?

Not everything Moore says is right, but on one thing there should be no argument: a free universal health care system should be implemented for the American people. The US has the funds. Does it have the will to divert some in a truly Christian fashion?

Sources:
1. www.dti.gov.uk/about/ministerial-team/page39412.html
2. Journal of the American Medical Association, 2006:
“Disease and Disadvantage in the United States and in England”
3. www.wikipedia.org/ See military spending figures
4. www.michaelmoore.com/sicko/checkup/

Link: http://www.outrageoustimes.org/wordpress/  For news and articles on the outrageous state of US healthcare.