WillPatching.com

Poor Gordy. His advisers keep trying to help him overcome his media deficient personality by coming up with off the wall ideas to make us love him. The spineless sucker feels obliged to go along with them.

He probably realises he’ll be history if he doesn’t, but to anyone who saw his excruciating appearance on American Idol, it’s clear he’ll demean himself in any way deemed necessary by Labour’s spinmeisters in his desperation to cling to his ill-gotten power.

Brown needs to drop his bogeyman image…

His Idol appearance - where he gave away millions of tax payers’ money in a cynical publicity stunt that misfired - reminded me of that other stellar Labour leader’s big-blunder… Michael Foot wearing what looked like an old donkey jacket while laying a wreath at the Cenotaph. 

Like a brace of gasping fish, wrenched out of water and exposed to the harsh public gaze. Shame… Gordy only craves to be as popular as unelectable Oxbridge-working-class-hero Footy.

He’s got some way to go.

His latest attempt at joining the human race involves answering letters from ordinary Joe’s like you and me. Nothing unusual in that. Except he is doing it by telephone to create “good word of mouth” according to his top strategist…

In truly spontaneous Labourite fashion, voter correspondence is scrutinised for content/relevance/gullibility/ethnicity/degree of difficulty/political correctness/Tory-bashing potential, then picked “at random” before a team of over-paid vacuous flunkies formulate an anodyne response for the sub-Prime Minister to mouth at some startled citizen.

Rumour has it that he once called someone at 6am to prove he works as hard as Thatcher, but his aides have reined him in to avoid giving a mixed message, aiming for a man-of-the-people spin rather than the lofty-workaholic-surly-ineffectual-miserable-git personna he usually adopts.

Off the record, an anonymous Number 10 kingmaker said, “Poor love, he really can’t give good oral… He just finds it so difficult pleasing ordinary mortals as it is; trying to prove a point at the same time as communicating platitudes is well beyond his limited interpersonal skills. Now where’s Miliband’s number..?”

In a shocking example of an off message moment and an apparent U-turn in government policy, Brown has apologised to the Iraqi citizens for Blair’s war crimes. Apparently Mr Rafique, a voter picked “at random”, said the PM chatted through his letter and “apologised on behalf of the Labour government for what had happened to the people of Iraq”. 

Mr Rafique made no comment but was described as feeling all warm and fuzzy. Clearly he’s not a Labour voter.

Brown also assured Rafique he will “give his full concentration” to withdrawing our troops. 

A previously sycophanitc-senior-Number-10-loyal-insider expressed concern at the comment and blurted, “I wish he wouldn’t try to think on his feet. He should stick to the script. Now some wise-arse blogger will end up pointing out the bleedin’ obvious: ‘So Brown won’t be able to think of anything else until the troops are out then, will he? Good.’  Poor Gordon. If only Tony had banned all free speech like I suggested we wouldn’t have this problem…’ 

The harried lackey scuttled off, murmuring, “Now, where did I put David Miliband’s number?”

Meanwhile twenty-seven million Iraqi citizens remain unaware of the apology.

***

Leadership Odd(itie)s: Darling 100/1, Clarke 50/1, Hoon 20/1,  Balls 4/1, Milliband  3/1, Cherie Booth-Hillary-Blair 1/10 odds on fav

YouGov poll: Labour 23% - only 24 points behind the Conservatives with 47%. The Liberal Democrats - officially irrelevant.

Big media’s version: news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/7427297.stm

Am I alone in thinking the anti-Arab/anti-Islam hysteria has gone a little too far in the US when a company selling coffee and doughnuts (donuts) has to pull an advert because it shows an actress wearing a scarf that looks a bit too Arab?

Apparently the Dunkin Donuts ad was pilloried by right wing bloggers for Rachel Ray’s scarf because it is too like “the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad.”

Oh dear.

Cholesterol jihadist with weapon…

We all abhor Islam’s extremists for criticising our free speech when it comes to cartoons of Muhammed, and feel superior to their ‘ignorance’ and ‘intolerance’ when they ‘overreact’. Okay, no one in the west is threatening a fatwah or jihad equivalent over this, or burning flags, but isn’t this reaction a very sad symptom of the hatred being inflamed by extremists on both sides?

Perhaps it’s about time we all stopped wearing pajamas too…

***

See Hate couture.

Sent to annkeenmp@parliament.uk

25/05/08 

Dear Ms Keen
 
I understand that you have been funding a life insurance policy for yourself and your MP husband through tax free expenses, as well as claiming other costs associated with your second property.
 
Please be kind enough to share with the electorate how you can do this since, to be eligible for tax free status, all expenses must be “wholly, necessarily and exclusively” incurred as part of your job.

Clearly, with a home in Brentwood, which is within commuting distance of Westminster, any expense for your central London property would not qualify and, unless you have paid tax on the sums you received, you could be guilty of tax evasion.
 
I would urge you to clarify this position immediately and assure the rest of the nation’s tax payers that there is only one rule - not one that applies to MP’s and another for the public.
 
With kind regards
 
Will Patching

***

Can I have some more?

See my post UK Ministers’ expenses a disgrace for full details of this outrage. Please feel free to copy my letter or post the blog if you feel it will help stop these truffle hunting freeloaders from continuing to thumb their grubby snouts at the electorate.

UK Health Minister Ann Keen has paid premiums of over £10,000 a year for a joint life insurance policy she took out to cover her and her 70 year old husband.

Nothing remarkable about that - except she claimed the premiums as expenses which means they are being funded by the British taxpayer.  

Both these Labour MP’s are eligible for generous pension/death benefits, so how could they even think such a claim is even vaguely justified?

And why does Keen need the old man insured for £430k? Apparently she says she had to buy insurance to cover their mortgages for their expensive second home.

Well that’s a reasonable expense isn’t it?

Er, well no, it’s not.

In fact the Inland Revenue should investigate Keen’s expenses as they were paid free of income tax, but to qualify as such they must be “wholly, necessarily and exclusively” incurred for work or business purposes.

Public pressure must be brought to bear on this issue - according to the Sunday Times the Keens have siphoned off £100,000 in expenses to pay for their second property in the heart of London. Perhaps the Keens feel their first home, in Brentford, West London, is a little far from the House of Commons to commute…

This latest example of Westminster’s moral vacuum and abuse of position should guarantee all MP’s expenses are made public.

But what will happen to Keen?

Nothing, apparently - though in my view this is tantamount to fraud. It seems she won’t even get a slapped wrist. A Department of Health spokesman said the Keens’ claims were within the rules.

And I note The Sunday Times, with masterful understatement, calls it a ’scam’. Unbelievable.

This is a serious issue on two counts: firstly the abuse of taxpayers’ hard earnt cash and secondly the money should be taxed as income unless it is being claimed for a legitimate business purpose.

The Inland Revenue should send a team of inspectors to go through all MP’s expenses for the last seven years and demand back taxes in every instance where the “wholly, necessarily and exclusively” rule cannot be applied.

Otherwise it literally is one rule for them and another for us.

As I said before, it seems to me that anyone who aspires to be a politician these days is probably not fit to be one… Pigs and troughs come to mind.

***

‘Scam’ Link:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/article3999122.ece

So, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown is considering hosting a TV reality show in an effort to boost his image. The idea was mooted in some confidential Cabinet briefing notes recently photographed while being carelessly paraded by Communities Secretary Hazel Blears. The show, which would be based on “The Apprentice”, will come with the pant-wettingly exciting title, “Junior PM.”

Oh dear.

Whatever next?

“I wanna be like The Donald!”

If anyone needed evidence that our political system has finally slithered beneath a scum of mediocrity and cynical media manipulation, just the idea that such a show could be seriously considered by Britain’s most important political figure provides it.

Apparently, soundbite politics – modelled on the US where government lies and propaganda are brazenly touted as nothing more sinister than ‘spin’ – along with the vacuous cult of personality, typified by Tony Blair’s style over substance approach, are the answers to Britain’s latest political problem: the nation has been saddled with a highly unpopular PM.

So his cronies want to ‘re-package’ him.

Brown is no Boris Johnson – the popular and ‘lovable’ aristocratic buffoon who can at least justify his TV celebrity status. Johnson oozes natural charisma, has photogenic looks, and entertains us with a quirky wit that lurks behind his bumbling Etonian facade. Brown cannot hope to emulate him: he is nothing more than a dreary, dour, po-faced, ever-so boring politician. And he doesn’t really want to change – it’s just that he’s been identified by his party faithful as a liability at the ballot box.

But the answer is not for us to see more of Gordon. Frankly the less time he spends attempting to display his credentials as a real human being the better…

Some of us thought he had enough to do already. Like, maybe running the country?

Brown’s Britain already has its own depressing reality show:

The economy is nose-diving after several years of Brown’s mismanagement: this despite the UK having experienced one of the longest boom periods in recent history, something which should have left us strongly placed to weather the current economic storms. Not to mention the fact that we are still enGulfed in an oil war, with our military seemingly strapped to Bush’s thigh like a handy six-gun.

Perhaps Brown doesn’t understand the British people’s actual reality revolves around their concerns over immigration, job security, inflation, after tax incomes, education, health care, national security and war?

You can almost hear them in number 10, yakking over their champagne cocktails and caviar – “Never mind all that Gordon. Let’s just toss them another trashy reality show. They do love their telly. That’ll win us loads of votes…”

It won’t.

Leadership is not about popularity – can you imagine Thatcher ever contemplating such a move?

People vote for strong leaders, for leaders who get results, for leaders who strike a chord with the mood of the people, leaders with the courage of their convictions… Many electors disliked Thatcher but voted for her because they knew she had what she believed were the country’s best interests at heart.

Surely the Labour government has had plenty of time to achieve something to justify re-election. When they get beaten at the next general election it will have nothing to do with whether their latest leader ‘starred’ in a manufactured reality show aimed at boosting his popularity by frolicking in the cesspool of media manipulation.

It will be because Brown and his crew failed to deliver.

***

Find more on this here:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/7399700.stm

The definition of what constitutes a terrorist has exercised some of the best minds in history, but in answer to the question “When is a terrorist a terrorist?” the current US President replies, “When I say so…”

Ok, he didn’t actually use those exact words, at least not in public, but he did say this about Saddam Hussein in 2006:

“He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the (US) government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror.”

Iran/Iraq

More recently the entire Iranian Republican Guard – a force of over 125,000 elite soldiers – was labeled a terrorist organization by Bushco for allegedly supplying dissident factions in Iraq with weaponry. Never mind that successive US administrations have a hideous and prolonged history of doing the same thing with vicious terrorist groups and sadistic despots, just as long as they were ideologically aligned to the government of the day.

Perhaps the most edifying example is the sale of WMD to Saddam by the US under Ronald Reagan to support his ambitions and keep Iranian fundamentalism at bay. Exports included biological agents such as anthrax, vital ingredients for chemical weapons, and cluster bombs - all delivered by a CIA front organisation in Chile… Obviously this was all well before Iraq’s psychopathic tyrant fell out of favour by invading Kuwait.

In this instance it is fair to ask - who are the real state terrorists in the Middle East?

American political dualism (ie hypocrisy) allows the current White House incumbent to holler about his thrust for democracy and trumpet his war on terror while threatening Iran – all the while ignoring the USA’s disgraceful interference in that country’s affairs.

Operation Ajax

This unholy military support for Saddam is just one recent example of the US acting against the interests of the citizens of Iran. Back in 1953 the CIA ran Operation Ajax with the aim of overthrowing Iran’s democratically elected government to re-install the Shah as an autocratic pro-western puppet.

The operation was seen as a triumph for US Middle Eastern foreign policy at the time, but was hardly a proud moment for Americans who believe their country has long stood as a champion for democracy and human rights.  But then again, most of them will never hear about it as such travesties barely rate a mention in mainstream US media.

The truth is that the good ‘ole US was responsible for strangling Iranian democracy at birth and thrusting an autocratic monarch back on the people. The Shah ruled with an iron fist, a truly tyrannical leader, using his Savak secret service operatives to terrorize his people and torture ‘dissidents’ –  some of whom were ‘dangerous’ members of pro-democracy groups; journalists, poets and the like.

This CIA operation was undeniably state sponsored terrorism against a democratically elected government. Why was it deemed necessary at the time? The answer is a familiar theme being mirrored in modern day Iraq: to install a pro-western puppet regime to ensure the country’s massive oil reserves could be plundered.

Can there be any doubt that the resultant anti-western feeling generated by US interference in Iran’s internal political affairs is the defining factor for the backlash that resulted in the Islamic Revolution in Iran in 1979? Or continued anti-US feeling in Persia and the wider Middle East?

And Bush asks, ‘Why do they hate us?’

He might as well ask why Muslims have become more radicalized over the years… If he troubled to read anything by Osama bin Laden or President Ahmadinejad he would know - and it’s not jealousy or hatred of our ‘way of life’, our wonderful freedoms, our democracy, or even Christianity.

It is because of our actions.

A modern day Jeremiah

This truth has recently been publicized during the race for the Democratic nomination in the States… The Reverend Jeremiah Wright has been slammed by the hysterical US media for his unpatriotic/incendiary comments, but in the light of America’s involvement in the Middle East his words about ‘chickens coming home to roost,’ and ‘You cannot do terrorism on other people and expect it never to come back on you,’ have the ring of veracity to them – no matter how unpalatable to the US public.

American government hypocrisy extends beyond supporting anti-democratic despots – it includes funding and arming terrorist groups like the Mujahadeen in Afghanistan to overthrow the ‘tyranny’ of Soviet occupation. Some reputable sources – including Robin Cook, the UK Foreign Secretary from 1997 to 2001 – claim members of bin Laden’s Al Qaeda were recruited and trained with the backing of the CIA. In those days Al Qaeda were considered ‘freedom fighters’ because they were battling the ‘scourge of communism’ but, now they’ve focused on the tyranny of a US client state - Israel - they are labeled terrorists.

As are Hamas and Hezbollah - at least, by this administration. Many Arab nations and other countries around the world consider both organizations as being comprised of freedom fighters defending Palestinians against US sponsored Israeli aggression, yet blinkered American political intransigence refuses to even acknowledge the possibility. They’re terrorists, right? They’re bad people so we can’t talk to them…

Who wants peace anyway?

Jimmy Carter has been pilloried for giving Hamas credibility by having the audacity to do just that - talk with their political leaders - but surely dialogue is the only way to bring about a meaningful and lasting peace.

Could it be that the US and Israel have no wish for a peaceful resolution to the conflict if it means creating a Palestinian state? Could they have a common interest in an unstable and fractured Middle East where their military might can secure some of the world’s most valuable real estate? Could the existence of terrorism and Islamic extremism, combined with internecine fighting between Sunni and Shia militia, help serve this purpose?

And speaking of Israel - what about Ariel Sharon? Wasn’t he labeled a terrorist and subject to a US State Department bulletin demanding that he be brought to account for his part in leading the Q’Biya massacre of 66 Palestinian civilians – also in 1953?

When is a terrorist a terrorist? Obviously the prevailing political view at the time is the most significant determinant.

Of course, all the while terrorism occurs a long way away and involves the non-peoples of the world such as A-rabs and the like, it isn’t that important, is it?

The day the world changed…

Everyone is agreed that the world changed on 9/11, although in truth it was American attitudes that changed. Terrorism was no longer a remote threat to US citizens going about their daily business, but became a clear and present danger to the comfortable lives of the most pampered individuals in the history of the world – a threat to be confronted with hysteria, fear, belligerence and paranoia, sparking a conflagration that consumed America’s values and rights as an opportunistic power hungry government fanned the flames, assisted by their quiescent cowering media.

Even so, despite the propaganda surrounding the so-called war on terror, not even convicted terrorists are necessarily all bad…

A terrorist in the White House?

President Bush welcomed one such self-confessed, convicted terrorist to the White House as recently as December 2007, and even shook hands with him for a photo-call - yet no-one in the US seemed to notice. You would have thought the hysterically paranoid media would have squealed in outrage, with Fox’s Bill O’Really foaming at the mouth over such an appalling travesty – especially as Bush’s guest was described as ‘Britain’s number one terrorist’ as recently as 1993.

Except, of course, the terrorist in question is now Deputy First Minister for the Northern Ireland Executive and a Member of Parliament representing Sinn Fein: Martin McGuinness.

Sinn Fein was the political front for Catholic terrorists, the self-styled Irish Republican Army (IRA), whose aim was to remove the British from Northern Ireland, at times using indiscriminate bombing against civilian targets. Its leaders proudly declared they would achieve their aims with a ballot box in one hand and a rifle in the other… and Sinn Fein were welcomed by the White House for years, even at the height of their bloody campaign.

The IRA was ‘de-designated’ as a foreign terrorist organization by the US State Department in 1994 – because peace talks were underway in Northern Ireland. Yet the political wing of Hamas, despite being democratically elected to the Palestinian assembly in 2006, has been shunned, even having offered a ceasefire.

Clearly, Bush’s definition of democracy is similar to his definition of terrorism: it is only democracy if he deems it so, and in reality he means a pro-western democracy, otherwise it just doesn’t count.

Such duplicitous double standards come as no surprise to anyone living outside of the United States media bubble.

The honored White House guest had this to say when he was convicted in 1973: ‘We have fought against the killing of our people. I am a member of Oglaigh na Eireann (IRA) and very, very proud of it.’ No doubt members of Hamas would express similar sentiments.

The Troubles

For decades many patriotic Irish-Americans supported the IRA by raising funds to pay for their bloody campaign of terror – euphemistically known as The Troubles. Dollars collected in the Irish bars of Boston were being used to buy Armalite rifles and Semtex explosives for the terrorists to use  against the British in Northern Ireland and in England.

Perhaps we should be asking: where was the US support for Britain against the IRA over these years? And especially in 1984 when British Prime Minister Thatcher and her cabinet were blown up in the UK coastal town of Brighton, killing five members of the Conservative party and injuring 34 others?

The IRA claimed responsibility and had this to say at the time: “Today we were unlucky, but remember, we only have to be lucky once; you will have to be lucky always. Give Ireland peace and there will be no war.”

Whilst Muslims are considered dehumanized non-peoples because a few of their number have done a similar thing on US soil (admittedly on a much greater scale) the American attitude to terrorism is enlightening. There was popular support for the IRA, explicitly with funds raised through organisations like NORAID - which many believe paid for arms and explosives - and at government level Irish extremists were wooed by the White House, even as their colleagues were fighting against the USA’s supposed ‘special’ ally.

Christians are different

Many people say that Christians would never resort to violence to pursue their views in the way the Islamists do, yet it is worth remembering that the conflict in Ireland was as much a religious war as a political one: Catholic violence on Protestants and vice versa led to over 30 years of terrorist atrocities in Northern Ireland and England. The result was more than 3000 deaths with almost 50,000 other people crippled and injured.

It was the UK’s own 9/11, but spread over three decades.

At the height of the ‘Troubles’, being the wrong type of Christian in parts of Northern Ireland could get you tortured - kneecapped with a bullet or with a Black& Decker drill if ammunition was scarce, brutally battered with a pick axe handle or similar, shot dead, blown up or mutilated. Fraternising with the wrong man could see a girl beaten, shaven headed and tarred and feathered – or worse. The man would not get off so lightly.

The IRA even developed the concept of a ‘proxy bomb’ – a suicide bomb delivered by a reluctant victim. In October 1990, they held a man’s family hostage, chained him to a car filled with explosives, and made him to drive to a checkpoint where the bomb was detonated, killing the hapless victim and five British soldiers. The IRA dropped the practice only because revulsion was undermining their support in the local community.

So-called Christians were doing these things to each other just a few years back in our ‘civilised, democratic’ UK. Were all Catholics vilified for the actions of a few in the way Islamists are today? Hardly.

A defining act of terror

Perhaps we should remember the worst example of a state sponsored terrorist act in living memory. One perpetrated by the nation whose leaders now claim to be waging a war on terror.

If ‘terrorism’ can be defined as deliberately targeting innocent civilians to generate terror among them and thereby coerce their government to change direction, World War 2 provides the definitive case study. Can there be a more flagrant disregard for innocent human life demonstrated by the American body politic and their military industrial complex than the deliberate obliteration of the civilian populations of Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

The morality of using an atomic bomb to end the Pacific conflict is worthy of debate in its own right. Regardless, it would be difficult to deny that dropping the second bomb was an unnecessary act of state terrorism – the first had demonstrated the USA’s overwhelming force and was enough to bring Japan to its knees.

Some would say that any war is just a form of terrorism by powerful nations, while terrorism is the only form of war available to the powerless.

Others would argue that the definition of terrorism belongs to the powerful… after all, they’re the ones who write history aren’t they?

***

Ok, George Dubya is not famous for his intellect so maybe it is a little unfair of me to keep picking on him — or it would be if he was not the self-appointed Leader of The Free World.

That makes him fair game, don’t you think?

Well I do…

There are some truly excellent websites out there listing some of the more inane pronouncements of this stellar statesman and I have no intention of competing with them. (See the two brilliant links below.)

Instead, on a light-hearted note, I thought I would challenge my regular readers to attempt a little quiz.

Which of the following twenty quotes can be attributed to

George W Bush ?  

Hint: The most powerful man in the world really did utter all but two of these stunningly insightful remarks, and his words make up a large part of one of the other eighteen — I couldn’t resist taking the liberty of mixing in a phrase of my own just to spice things up a bit!

1. “Of course we’re after Iraq… er… Saddam Hussein… I mean bin Laden.”

2. “And there is distrust in Washington. I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town. And I’m sorry it’s the case, and I’ll work hard to try to elevate it.”

3. “I think…tide turning…see, as I remember…I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of…it’s easy to see a tide turn… Did I say those words?”

4. “Sure, I snorted coke — but I never inhaled… I didn’t just say that.”

5. “They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it’s some kind of federal program.”

6. “Part of the problem in health care is that there is no consumerism — I shouldn’t say no consumerism, obviously there is some consumerism.”

7. “You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”

8. “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking of new ways to harm our country and our people… and neither do we.”

9. “You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war President. No President wants to be a war President, but I am one.”

10. “No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that.”

11. “Of course we torture terrorists. We just don’t call it that. It’s harsh interrogation when we do it… This is off the record, right?”

12. “The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals? And one such goal is a democracy in Germany.”

13. “I’ve heard (Tony Blair)’s been called Bush’s poodle. He’s bigger than that… A British Bullhorn maybe…”

14. “This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table.”

15. “I don’t particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it…

16. “…in 2000 I said, ‘Vote for me. I’m an agent of change.’ In 2004, I said, ‘I’m not interested in change — I want to continue as president.’ Every candidate has got to say change. That’s what the American people expect.”

17. “I’m oftentimes asked, What difference does it make to America if people are dying of malaria in a place like Ghana? It means a lot. It means a lot morally, it means a lot from a — it’s in our national interest.”

18. “Oftentimes people ask me, Why is it that you’re so focused on helping the hungry and diseased in strange parts of the world?”

19. “I fully understand those who say you can’t win this thing  (Iraq) militarily. That’s exactly what the United States military says, that you can’t win this military.”

20. “This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating…”

***

Answers below.

***

In fairness, it is worth pointing out that all politicians say stupid things, but not all politicians have made a career out of it… George’s stream-of-consciousness drawlings are an eye-opener and I have to ask - how did this man ever get elected to the most powerful position in the world?

Here’s the one quote from this great war leader(sic) I absolutely agree with:

It’s time to restore honor and dignity to the White House.

***

Two brilliant links for more wise words from the POTUS:

http://www.depresident.com/bushisms.asp

http://www.slate.com/id/76886/

 ***

Answers:

As far as I am aware President Bush has never said either 4 or 11 in public or in private. They are purely an invention for the purposes of this quiz and have no basis in fact. Really. I believe all the other quotes above to be genuine as they can be found in the public domain — except the italicized phrase in number 13 which I added to a genuine Bushism just to have a bit of fun.

Easy, wasn’t it?

These days it seems every person on the planet thinks they’re a gifted writer.

The internet allows us all the opportunity to bash away at a keyboard and post our innermost thoughts for the world to see – for better or worse!

This means that any reader with a connected pc has access the ramblings of millions of people across the globe - and the articles give us all a wonderful opportunity to gain an insight into a vast array of subjects. 

Sometimes though, the articles - unintentionally - make me laugh out loud. In the UK we call such comedic literary accidents ‘Howlers.’ 

This is my tribute to the World Wide Web for bringing us such a rich and previously untapped vein of blog-gems: 

On verbal terrorism? 

“These old time religious phonetics are losing their control of their own people…”

On our vegetative youth today? 

“The TV makes them a crotch potato…” 

Spearheading colonialism?

“Humans have been a remarkable species for many millennia. With the exception of Antarctica, they managed to spread to all the world’s continents and to adapt to countless different environments. They did this armed only with intelligence and spears.”

You will come, all ye faithful…

“Some people may have other opinions about this subject, but most people would also say that they think it should be mandatory to show up for church.”

Cellulite a health problem?

“I believe that cellulite should be treated as a health problem because it definitely is one.”

Disposable medical trauma? 

“You just never know when an emergency will occur, from a scrapped knee to a more severe emergency. ”

Evidently climbing? 

“There is surmounting evidence that natural supplements are extremely beneficial.”

Or over the hill? 

“If you want a descent life you have to plan for the future.” 

Odder tongue twister? 

“When they bush their teeth, they should also brush their tongue also, it cause must of the bad odder.” 

Thumping good bath time? 

“Teaching them to bath regularly (using soap and shampoo), bruising their teeth at least twice a day…” 

Hidden subtext? 

“Riding loose in the saddle means so much more than riding loose in the saddle.”

The Dead Sea? 

“I threw the strap around my head and plunged into the unrelentless surf.” 

Filthy corrupt government? 

“With corruption running a muck in our government…” 

Musical disharmony? 

“Times will be difficult when separation shows its ugly head. Maintain your composer and know that your life will begin again at another time.” 

Island wedding? 

“When I got married, and my dad walked me down the isle…” 

And finally, my favorite on Reasoned debate…

“The fact that there are even articles on the ‘yes’ side of this debate is extremely disturbing and substantiates the level of ignorance that we intelligent people are forced to live among…”

***

Quite clearly the single greatest benefit of email is that it facilitates the lightning transfer of jokes around the world, flashing them on our screens, even as we sit, bored and restless at our workplace computers.

The following howlers came to me via an anonymous source. Apparently they are ‘genuine’ answers from a children’s science exam…  

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.  

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. 

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.  

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.  

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.  

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental  

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (Brilliant!) 

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.  

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I,O, and U.  

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie  

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A: Nearby.  

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.’
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome  

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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If you have any new howlers please forward them via the comment box below. I plan to regularly update this section and hope everyone out there can help me. Thanks!