WillPatching.com

Until recently my mate Phil and his other half Jean lived in a beautiful home in central Montreal, located in the heart of the pretentious French bit of Canada.  When they went cycling in the States with their friends Sam and Denise during the summer, they asked me to help out by house-sitting for them.

Despite some serous drawbacks outlined below, this has been such a marvelous way of getting to know Montreal I thought I might see if anyone from other countries would be interested in using my services, especially now I’ve got the hang of it.

For friends I’m prepared to house-sit for free, unless they live somewhere crap, in which case they should probably move now so that I don’t offend them by refusing.

Please note the letter below which I had to fax to Phil after a particularly traumatic week. Before considering whether to opt for house-sitting you should read it so you are aware of some of the pitfalls and hidden dangers in your own property.

If you choose to go ahead then I’m sure you’ll be delighted with the service on offer. I don’t doubt Phil and Jean would be happy to vouch for my integrity, if you can locate them. They seem to have lost contact.

However, you can always get in touch with me at will@willpatching.com.

In hopeful anticipation,

Will  

Fax to Dorval Airport, Montreal
FTAO: Mr Phillip Listless arriving on FLT 0678
08/07/07

Without prejudice

Hi Phil and mad bicycling friends – glad to hear you’ve all been having such a great time.

I’ve not.

This house-sitting lark isn’t as easy as I thought. It’s been a nightmare these last few days…

It seems I’m not having much luck with cars over here, especially as everyone insists on driving on the wrong side.  Anyway, I was driving your new Toyota after popping out for a few beers and it smashed itself into Jean’s motor while I was parking outside the house.  Both cars were written off.  It was quite a night!

You’ll be relieved to know I wasn’t hurt, just shaken up a bit.

Then the house alarm went off as I couldn’t remember the code - I think I was just too pissed to punch it in anyway, and the drugs probably didn’t help.  Can you believe that alarm guy, though?  He came and let me in, but wanted fifty bucks for the call out!

Once inside, I found the place full of smoke…  the kitchen was also in flames as someone had left a pan on the stove.  It can’t have been me as I’d been out singing karaoke for hours.  Did you leave anyone else a key?

Anyway, apart from that, everything here is great. 

Except for the flooded cellar. Oh, and your lawn and garden plants are trashed from where the firemen trampled them.  Saved me from having to mow the grass though, which was a bonus.

There is some other good news too! I bought five kilos of blueberries like you asked and froze them for you (what a mate, eh?).  I know you wanted raspberries too, but they were “Pick Your Own,” so I thought it best to leave those for you to choose when you get back. 

The bad news is that, when the basement flooded (the firemen were very careless where they pointed their hoses), the freezer compressor burnt out so everything inside is going rank.  I’ve had to keep the lid shut as it was starting to stink.  Don’t worry - I’m keeping the contents for you as I know you usually eat stuff even when it’s well past its use by date, and the crummy meals you prepared and froze probably won’t taste that much different anyway.

By the way, I’m faxing this from the internet cafe opposite the house right now.  I should have been using this place from the outset – it would have saved me a lot of grief and their machines are much faster than your old computer.  Mind you, I did you a bit of a favor the other day - I know you’ve been planning to get yourself a new system and how you always procrastinate when it comes to spending money.  Well, now you’ve got no excuse for delaying buying a shiny new one.

It was all a bit nasty though… I was balancing on the chair in your study, trying to change the light bulb, when the chair leg broke and I somersaulted through the monitor screen.

That was bad enough, but that old computer desk of yours was a death trap – it fell to pieces when I landed on it.  It nearly killed me!

I’m okay though – I only suffered a nasty cut, very bad concussion and mild amnesia from the fall (hence forgetting the alarm code and how to park the car).

Mind you, I was also electrocuted when my beer glass shattered as the desk collapsed, drenching that poxy old pc of yours.  It was quite spectacular - I’ve never seen indoor fireworks like that before - and the current actually made my hair stand on end too!

Of course, I had to go out for a drink to recover from all this, even though the doctor pumped me full of drugs.  Improved my karaoke no end! 

Well you know the rest, so now you can see why none of it was my fault.  My lawyer says it was that ancient chair of yours that’s to blame.  In fact, that brings me to the other bit of good news: despite everything, I think Montreal is so beautiful that I plan to spend much more time here and make it my second home! 

And, regardless of the terrible time I’ve had, you’ll also be delighted to know I won’t be putting you through the trauma of being sued.

Instead I found a superb compensation lawyer who, if he pulls his finger out, should have the house made over to my name before you read this.  Thankfully some little known archaic French law here allows the transfer of assets if the guilty party flees abroad, so you don’t need to worry about having to pay exorbitant legal fees defending a lengthy court case.  However, I will need your new address to send you the bill for the repairs.

And for total renovation.

You wouldn’t know it, but interior designers here cost a fortune  Anyway, the lady I found says it was a good job I called because the previous occupants had no sense of style whatsoever, the cheeky minx.

I’m sure you’ll be glad to pay for everything - it’s only fair after all you’ve put me through.

I really suppose I should use your works email address for now as you are effectively homeless.  At least you’ve got your tent with you - maybe Sam will let you pitch it in his garden. 

I won’t be able to meet you at the airport either – obviously both of the cars you left me are useless now.  You’ve got your tandem with you anyway.  I had planned on surprising you by pitching up in one of those nice Hummers – I’ve decided to buy one as I think I need something big and safe here: Canadian drivers are such morons.  Unfortunately the hacker the lawyer has got working on cleaning out your on-line bank accounts for me was a bit slow, and I’ve only just got the money.

Oh yeah, can you phone someone and arrange to have what’s left of your vehicles towed away as they’re a bit unsightly?  My street looks like a scrap yard…

…Mmm.  On second thoughts don’t worry yourself mate.  I’ll try and flog it as a nouveau-art-type-sculpture to one of the pretentious galleries here – there are lots to choose from.  I’ll need to come up with a poncy French sounding name for it: how about “Omellette des Autos pour les Individuelles Pathetique” - let me just go and lob a few eggs at it first.

Hang on a minute… while I was doing that I noticed the dumpster with all your stuff being carted off to the tip.  Sorry mate - I thought I’d told them three weeks not three days.  They must have got themselves confused by my accent. The locals really should learn to speak English.  Never mind.  Your gear was all shit anyway.

Well, that’s about it.

Keep in touch mate - but no begging letters. You know how much I hate scrounging bastards and homeless types.

Cheers

William Patching

cc  Mr. V Fast
Senior Partner
Fast, Buck and Ripov,
Attorneys at Law

PS  You owe me thirty dollars for the blueberries.

PPS  Can Jean send me a check for that amount plus the fifty bucks false alarm callout fee, asap?  You know the address.  There’s no point you sending checks as your account will be empty by the time you see this. Bet you’ll be glad to get back to work as you need the money! 

Tell Jean she needn’t worry about my hotel bills while the house is being done up - I know she’ll be a bit worried about me but tell her I’m okay - I found her credit card details so that’s sorted.

PPPS  Forgot to mention you will be receiving an invoice from Mr. Fast for his services.  Take it from me, he’s worth every cent.

PPPPS  Give my best to Sam and Denise if they’re still talking to you - God knows, I found it hard enough putting up with you and Jean for just a couple of days before you left!  They must have the patience of saints. 

Good thing too as I bumped into their son Danny the other day while he was out driving Sam’s car…  I mean I literally bumped into him with the Toyota, not that it matters now as it was a couple of days before I created the sculpture.  (Incidentally, it looks nice with the eggs but the flies buzzing round it are becoming a nuisance: I suppose they make it living art though, which is probably worth shed loads more.) 

Tell Sam the damage to his motor isn’t too bad - in fact I think the new shape’s an improvement.  A sort of macho bulldog effect.  It’s certainly unique and I know he likes dogs. 

PPPPPS  When I called Danny a couple of nights ago to tell him about my terrible week, he said “That’s nothing!”  It sounded like he’s having an even worse time of it than me. He told me he wasn’t going to say anything when his folks called as he didn’t want to worry them while they’re away, but I thought it best for you to tip them the wink when you get this.  It’s not nice being in the dark – which, come to think of it, was why I was changing that bloody light bulb in the first place.

That Danny though… young people today - what are they like? You just can’t trust some people with a key can you?