WillPatching.com

These days it seems every person on the planet thinks they’re a gifted writer.

The internet allows us all the opportunity to bash away at a keyboard and post our innermost thoughts for the world to see – for better or worse!

This means that any reader with a connected pc has access the ramblings of millions of people across the globe - and the articles give us all a wonderful opportunity to gain an insight into a vast array of subjects. 

Sometimes though, the articles - unintentionally - make me laugh out loud. In the UK we call such comedic literary accidents ‘Howlers.’ 

This is my tribute to the World Wide Web for bringing us such a rich and previously untapped vein of blog-gems: 

On verbal terrorism? 

“These old time religious phonetics are losing their control of their own people…”

On our vegetative youth today? 

“The TV makes them a crotch potato…” 

Spearheading colonialism?

“Humans have been a remarkable species for many millennia. With the exception of Antarctica, they managed to spread to all the world’s continents and to adapt to countless different environments. They did this armed only with intelligence and spears.”

You will come, all ye faithful…

“Some people may have other opinions about this subject, but most people would also say that they think it should be mandatory to show up for church.”

Cellulite a health problem?

“I believe that cellulite should be treated as a health problem because it definitely is one.”

Disposable medical trauma? 

“You just never know when an emergency will occur, from a scrapped knee to a more severe emergency. ”

Evidently climbing? 

“There is surmounting evidence that natural supplements are extremely beneficial.”

Or over the hill? 

“If you want a descent life you have to plan for the future.” 

Odder tongue twister? 

“When they bush their teeth, they should also brush their tongue also, it cause must of the bad odder.” 

Thumping good bath time? 

“Teaching them to bath regularly (using soap and shampoo), bruising their teeth at least twice a day…” 

Hidden subtext? 

“Riding loose in the saddle means so much more than riding loose in the saddle.”

The Dead Sea? 

“I threw the strap around my head and plunged into the unrelentless surf.” 

Filthy corrupt government? 

“With corruption running a muck in our government…” 

Musical disharmony? 

“Times will be difficult when separation shows its ugly head. Maintain your composer and know that your life will begin again at another time.” 

Island wedding? 

“When I got married, and my dad walked me down the isle…” 

And finally, my favorite on Reasoned debate…

“The fact that there are even articles on the ‘yes’ side of this debate is extremely disturbing and substantiates the level of ignorance that we intelligent people are forced to live among…”

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Quite clearly the single greatest benefit of email is that it facilitates the lightning transfer of jokes around the world, flashing them on our screens, even as we sit, bored and restless at our workplace computers.

The following howlers came to me via an anonymous source. Apparently they are ‘genuine’ answers from a children’s science exam…  

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.  

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. 

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.  

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.  

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.  

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental  

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (Brilliant!) 

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.  

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts — the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I,O, and U.  

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie  

Q: What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A: Nearby.  

Q: Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarian Section.’
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome  

Q: What does the word ‘benign’ mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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If you have any new howlers please forward them via the comment box below. I plan to regularly update this section and hope everyone out there can help me. Thanks!