WillPatching.com

Poor Gordy. His advisers keep trying to help him overcome his media deficient personality by coming up with off the wall ideas to make us love him. The spineless sucker feels obliged to go along with them.

He probably realises he’ll be history if he doesn’t, but to anyone who saw his excruciating appearance on American Idol, it’s clear he’ll demean himself in any way deemed necessary by Labour’s spinmeisters in his desperation to cling to his ill-gotten power.

Brown needs to drop his bogeyman image…

His Idol appearance - where he gave away millions of tax payers’ money in a cynical publicity stunt that misfired - reminded me of that other stellar Labour leader’s big-blunder… Michael Foot wearing what looked like an old donkey jacket while laying a wreath at the Cenotaph. 

Like a brace of gasping fish, wrenched out of water and exposed to the harsh public gaze. Shame… Gordy only craves to be as popular as unelectable Oxbridge-working-class-hero Footy.

He’s got some way to go.

His latest attempt at joining the human race involves answering letters from ordinary Joe’s like you and me. Nothing unusual in that. Except he is doing it by telephone to create “good word of mouth” according to his top strategist…

In truly spontaneous Labourite fashion, voter correspondence is scrutinised for content/relevance/gullibility/ethnicity/degree of difficulty/political correctness/Tory-bashing potential, then picked “at random” before a team of over-paid vacuous flunkies formulate an anodyne response for the sub-Prime Minister to mouth at some startled citizen.

Rumour has it that he once called someone at 6am to prove he works as hard as Thatcher, but his aides have reined him in to avoid giving a mixed message, aiming for a man-of-the-people spin rather than the lofty-workaholic-surly-ineffectual-miserable-git personna he usually adopts.

Off the record, an anonymous Number 10 kingmaker said, “Poor love, he really can’t give good oral… He just finds it so difficult pleasing ordinary mortals as it is; trying to prove a point at the same time as communicating platitudes is well beyond his limited interpersonal skills. Now where’s Miliband’s number..?”

In a shocking example of an off message moment and an apparent U-turn in government policy, Brown has apologised to the Iraqi citizens for Blair’s war crimes. Apparently Mr Rafique, a voter picked “at random”, said the PM chatted through his letter and “apologised on behalf of the Labour government for what had happened to the people of Iraq”. 

Mr Rafique made no comment but was described as feeling all warm and fuzzy. Clearly he’s not a Labour voter.

Brown also assured Rafique he will “give his full concentration” to withdrawing our troops. 

A previously sycophanitc-senior-Number-10-loyal-insider expressed concern at the comment and blurted, “I wish he wouldn’t try to think on his feet. He should stick to the script. Now some wise-arse blogger will end up pointing out the bleedin’ obvious: ‘So Brown won’t be able to think of anything else until the troops are out then, will he? Good.’  Poor Gordon. If only Tony had banned all free speech like I suggested we wouldn’t have this problem…’ 

The harried lackey scuttled off, murmuring, “Now, where did I put David Miliband’s number?”

Meanwhile twenty-seven million Iraqi citizens remain unaware of the apology.

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Leadership Odd(itie)s: Darling 100/1, Clarke 50/1, Hoon 20/1,  Balls 4/1, Milliband  3/1, Cherie Booth-Hillary-Blair 1/10 odds on fav

YouGov poll: Labour 23% - only 24 points behind the Conservatives with 47%. The Liberal Democrats - officially irrelevant.

Big media’s version: news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/politics/7427297.stm