WillPatching.com

Academia - Studying at the Bar

Despite my total lack of academic interest, honed by years of inattendance at a ‘sink’ secondary school in south London, I managed to scrape through to study Geography at the Southampton University Student Union Bar.  During and after uni I had a variety of unusual jobs, the most interesting of which was working as a ‘gardener’ at a sewage treatment works in south London.

Gardening?

This euphemism doesn’t adequately describe the true nature of the role:  I was weeding the clinker beds used for filtering  wet raw sewage.  The ‘liquid residue’ was sprayed onto these filter beds before being discharged into the Thames. . .  Nice.

I escaped the shit-farm with my olfactory glands barely in tact before enjoying some time as an over-qualified hod carrier, labouring on various building sites.  Before my back gave out completely I chose not to continue wasting my life on mere bricks and mortar, but to aim for something truly fantastic…  I decided to become a pilot.

Flying Low

Obviously I still had some growing up to do, but even so, I somehow convinced the RAF I was officer material, and spent  three years learning to fly before they sussed me as a complete waster and kicked me out…  So, I started selling life assurance.

Yes, a career even lower in kudos than an estate agent’s, I know, but what else can you do with a degree in Geography and an ability to fly a single-engined jet very low, very fast and very badly?  Anyway, I  clawed my way up through different companies, ultimately conning my way to the lofty sinecure known as Regional Operations Director.  The most important aspect of that particular role was, of course, the company funded Mercedes.

Harvard

I eventually managed to escape the stigma of that cut-throat industry by joining the UK’s leading medical insurer.   Not exactly a giant leap up the ladder of professional esteem, but there you go.  It’s amazing what you can achieve in some companies with not the slightest idea about their business.  Speaking of which, my boss had the genius idea of sponsoring me to attend Harvard Business School for a three month course for aspiring chief executives.   As if!

Anyway, on my return from the States, I requested - and received - a rather generous redundancy package as my over-effective boss had, rather cunningly, decided to re-organise my role in my absence.  A truly talented fellow.

Rehab, recruitment and retirement

After a brief spell of rehabilitation - two weeks in Jamaica - I stumbled into my most recent ‘gainful’ employment as MD/CEO of a recruitment company in London.  Things were going rather well until I became an enforced retiree when the business was sold to a competitor a couple of years later in ‘98.  It seems that the new owner already had an MD/CEO, and this one was apparently competent.  Bastard.

Paradise

Next came a few heady years in Mallorca, playing at running a music bar while drinking the profits.  I don’t remember much, but for some reason I decided to move further afield.  I now live, happily ever after, in Thailand on the paradise island of Koh Samui.  It is truly brilliant here, and I still refuse to be tempted back into the life of stress and consumerism that represented my early career.  All I really need is a new Mercedes.

Beach, restaurant and bar…

Until recently (May 2008) I owned a restaurant and bar on the beach which - fortunately for me and even more so for our customers - were very well managed by my Thai business partner, Khun Kit, a professional with twenty plus years in the hotel and catering business.  We had a blast for two years, and then… Sadly, the land owner, a very wealthy Thai man with absolutely no regard for foreigners trying to scrape a living in his country, decided Koh Samui needs another hotel. He invited the bulldozers in and it was goodbye beach…

In any event, I had no intention of getting into the catering business, but I did a Victor Kiam – remember those cheesy Remington adverts?  Well, I liked the food so much I bought the restaurant.  It really was that good. Sob.

Watch this space for news of the other major ventures I am involved in, if you can be bothered…

The Junk

By July 2008 we will have finished building and fitting out a giant Siamese style junk, measuring some 34 metres in length.  This luxury wooden boat – or is it a ship? – will be available for charter in the Gulf of Thailand and beyond.  Her name?  With such an obvious flair for words, aided by my talented, enthusiastic, energetic business partner John, we came up with a truly imaginative name for her: The Siam Junk.

We will soon have more details and pictures on the website at www.thesiamjunk.com .  This is a fantastic project and I am so excited I am drooling.  Literally.  I am mopping the keyboard with a tissue as I type.

 …Novels or junk?  You decide.

Despite these ventures, I still consider myself semi-retired and I am now planning to establish my career as a novelist.  I’ve written two thrillers to date and, after much rejection by UK based literary agents and publishers, I found a marvellous welcome with the, admittedly miniscule, TimeFrame publishing house in Bangkok last December. 

                                

They snapped up both my first novels with great enthusiasm - and an advance on royalties amounting to zero Thai Baht - which is not a lot in any language.   Fortunately my contract is highly flexible…

Both novels are available in a few select bookshops in Asia, though the boss of TimeFrame assures me we will soon publish hard copies worldwide.  Mmm.  And he says I create good fiction. 

If you like a good read then why not check out the first fifty pages of The Death of Innocence and Remorseless as they are available to view and download for free?   

If you enjoy reading these extracts then you might like to download the full manuscript of each of these novels for a small fee at my Products page.

Alternatively, if you prefer a paperback copy, then check out the link to DCO Books.

If the novels are not to your taste then please check out the short stories and my current affairs blogs.  As you can see, I am not afraid of writing at length on anything, especially those subjects I know absolutely nothing about - a quality that would have made me supremely qualified to write speeches for George W Bush. 

Please be assured that I welcome all comments and read them personally…

Hollywood or no good?

A number of readers have suggested I convert my novels to screenplays as my writing style is very visual, making it easy for people to imagine the stories on the silver screen.  In fact, when I write a novel, the characters and events unfold before me, rather like watching the cinema - only it’s a lot cheaper for me, and goes on for a much longer period of time! 

I have always fancied a trip to Hollywood, so I planned to start on the screenplay project in 2006.  Then my other interests got in the way until, recently, a contact in Samui passed both books to a film scout and told him I was already in the process of converting the novels.  That gave me right kick up the arse!  My fingers are crossed - which makes typing this very difficult - but I will soon have the screenplay for The Death of Innocence on here.  I promise.

Meanwhile, any agents looking to take on a new client, or mainstream publishers looking for new material, or film producers on the hunt for something ‘novel’ to screen please contact me by leaving a message in the comment box below. And don’t worry about privacy - your message will not appear on the site as all comments are moderated by me.

 Thanks for taking the time to visit and please come back any time.

Will

May 2008